So if anyone reading this is in a similar situation, or feels grief as gutteral as I do, is hopeless and can't see the way forward, here are some things that I would tell myself if I could do this again:
- look at the real situation, Is it what it seems to you? I was idealising my partner because I didn't want to believe he was the bad and selfish person that everyone was saying he was - but I needed to realise this in order to let go
- Hope can be good but create hope around your own future and not around decisions that someone else is going to make. At several points in this journey to date I have placed all my hope in decisions that were ultimately not mine. I should have placed hope in my own decisions. There is far greater control.
- Seek help. Friends, family, and this army of counselling style people that have popped up from all around the community. Just one week ago I was driving alone to the emergency unit at hospital because I was in such despair I didn't know what to do. I turned around and came home because I was scared I had nothing wrong with me, but I was later told by my very helpful 'shrink' that I should have gone in - and should feel no shame asking for help. Call the numbers, tell as many people as you can. Because at the end of the day, strange as it may seem, the strangers care more for me than my own partner.
- Keep believing that it will get better. Remember a time when things seemed bad - maybe a previous break you didn't think you would survive - and think about how you feel today about that event. Time has healed most of the wounds no doubt. And many more new and exciting things have happened as a result of that event happening back then. It just keeps moving and evolving. Try to stay with the flow and not let it swamp you in the process. I guess thats what they mean when they say 'keep your head above water'.
- There has to be something to be said for creating a positive mindset to attract positive things into your life. At least I think thats what they say. Im going to try that, I'm going to believe that tomorrow will be a good day. Well just not a desperately bad one.
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