I took myself to this scan in the hope I would find out I was having a girl and I would be able to break the news to my partner that it wouldn't be a 'terrible boy'. As I lay on the bench waiting for it to start, heaps of empty lounges all over the room - presumably for loving friends and family - I wondered what it would be like to meet him/her again. I had seen the grainy black and white routine ultrasound images to date and wondered how he would look now. How had he grown? I hadn't seen him for 5 weeks.
"Its a boy" she says, as if she was reading the weather report. So there you go. A boy. I had felt very strongly that he was a boy, but wasn't 100% sure. And now I was - well 98% accuracy is what they claim. Personally I didn't mind if he was a boy or girl - well I would have preferred a girl but only because I have heard they are easier, but I was disappointed in the news as I knew my partner would use that as another weapon against the child. Poor kid, nothing about him is wanted by this man who fathered him. I felt sorry for him in that instant, knowing that the father figure he will so desperately yearn for will need to be provided by someone else. God knows who. But it won't be his real father. And there will only be so much that I can do for him.
But this feeling was fleeting as the distorted images of a goblin baby started appearing - a hand, top of the head, then the eyes and chin. It was amazing - I was seeing inside my womb to see what lay there - a dormant baby child with perfect features and limbs. He yawned as if say 'hurry up' and then stuck up his thumb. I wanted to believe he was telling me that it was going to be OK. I think he was.
I left that scan feeling a closer connection to my little boy. I knew what he looked like now. And I felt more than ever that I needed to protect him. I rushed in to the hospital to make my appointment that Debbie had set up earlier that morning. Not quite sure who he was but happy to give anything a try.
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