The Father of my Child doesn't want My Child

The immediate response of my loved one, the man who fathered this child, who I live with, have been with for 2 years and who I loved with all my heart, was to ask me to have an abortion.   The first response.  I was shocked.  Especially because he has 2 children of his own, aged 4 and 6, we had them half the time living with us and he loved those children.  They were beautiful girls - they called me step mum and I hugged them every night after school. I hugged those children so much. I could not have loved them more.  Which is why this sudden request for termination floored me.

But it seems, as he explained, this new baby was not his child.  Because he did not choose it. He did not want to know it. He did not want an emotional connection and that his children were never to know they had a sibling.

My world crumbled. What a choice to make. Terminate this child that was inside my womb, or lose my beloved step children and partner. And with no guarantee they would stick around anyway because he was now saying he no longer trusted me. My instincts told me that the minute I left the termination centre I would come home to packed boxes. I was stuffed regardless because this man had now shown his true colours. It was not love he felt for me, it was a relationship out of convenience.  The gaps that had started appearing now began to make more sense. When the crunch came, he was not a support to me. Not a true friend. Didn't want a bar of it.

I said I needed to think about my decision, and he cancelled my birthday plans. He had booked a hotel, a restaurant and told me my birthday present was to be a holiday away together. All cancelled. I can honestly say that my 39th birthday was the worst one in my history. ** I should have walked away then.  I should have seen what he was saying.  He didn't love me, he had no support or empathy for me, he was a scared man and he did not want me.

But I didn't realise this. Thought he was just in shock.  That his love for me would seep back.  That we would be able to talk about this rationally.  That he might begin to see that we could have a beautiful family - his kids and this one - blended and supportive for everyone.

The next 3 months are a blur.  I remember being told lots of nasty things.  That I was fat, looked 9 months pregnant, that my child would be damaged emotional forever because it wouldn't have a father, that I was a whore, that I was untrustworthy, that I would hate being a mother, that it would be the worst experience I ever had. At the time when other mothers were so joyous - so happy and proud, I had a bump of shame.