A Psychiatrist

So the appointment was with the peri natal psychiatrist. Which sounded very intense and I wasn't sure what it would involve. All I knew was that they were also called 'shrinks' and mostly you needed one if you were crazy. Maybe I was crazy. I sure wasn't feeling normal.

Lachlan was a very unassuming psychiatrist. In fact I wouldn't have been surprised if moonlighted as a barista in a trendy coffee shop.  Which I guess was part of his appeal. He was very friendly, very thorough and asked me pretty much about my whole life.  For over an hour, after the lights went out in the usually bustling corridors of the baby unit in the hospital, Lachlan methodically went over my history, my feelings, my conerms and my thoughts of suicide. Lets be honest, I knew thats what I was doing there. I think its odd that people - complete strangers - should freak out if you mention that you would rather be dead. Why would they care if I was or not? but I guess Im glad there are people out there like that. Or I might not be here.

After sucking it all up and jotting notes from time to time, he finally stopped and put his pencil down and looked thoughtful. With a quizzical look he ventured to ask why I was holding a candle to this man. Why did I think this man was so great, when clearly, to all those around me - and now evidently Lachlan, he was not great and did not love me. Lachlan suggested that my partner might never have actually loved me the way I loved him. He said it certainly wasn't how a person would respond to this situation normally. For months and actually years my friends had been saying the same thing.  Noone could see what I saw in my partner.  He was always nasty, always putting me down and always making me feel like it was my fault. Quick to react, quick to hurt and then easy to wound irreparably.

My partner might never have loved me truly. It sunk in. Had I be duped? And then came the next insight.  It would get better, I just had to hang in there. This bit I wasn't sure of - this was the greatest concern - that I was on a downwards spiral where things would just get worse and worse as I got more pregnant and was suddenly forced to be alone. Then I would have a lonely birth and then it would be worse - alone with a screaming baby.  All the time hurting over and grieving the man I thought I would be with forever.

But Lachlan was pretty sure it would get better. Have I felt bad before and recovered? Well yes, but never to this extent. Has my heart been broken? Yes.  but never with a baby in my womb. But his questions got me thinking.  Perhaps it would. A glimmer of hope.  Maybe.

I left thinking the world was a better place for this psychiatrist and believing that maybe there was hope after all.