So he plans to leave for 2 days with the kids. And I do what I wasn't going to do. I force his hand and ask whether he will be signing. He says he will. His words were actually 'I have to'. Have to? what has he been telling people about me? Some stuff about needing to get the kids away from me no doubt. Lies, all lies, to feather his story about why our relationship didn't work. To distract from what he is actually doing.
I try to talk but he motions to the kids and says he can't. I start to get emotional and then he points out thats why we can't talk. Oh - sorry. You can't just step outside and talk about this monumental decision with me for 5 minutes? I seriously mean nothing to this guy. What am I doing? Just leave, Anna. Just run as far as you can. but I keep standing there. For my son, trying to hold on to his father for him.
They leave on their trip - down to family in woollongong - I don't get invited anymore - I used to be - and I am left alone in the house again. but this time I have lost hope it might stay our house. I know that in a few days time I will have a date for when it is no longer our home. It was my dream home when we moved in. I was over the moon. I had my man, my lover, our beautiful house. Just one year ago we spent our first night sleeping in the living room on a big mattress. i was so excited and happy. Now, exactly 1 year and 3 days later, I am pregnant, lost, alone, my family have gone and my home is to be no longer. If only I had known - if me now could whisper in the ear of me back then - how tragic things would turn out. I could have changed so much. Done things so differently. but I didn't. And here I am.
I go to the shopping centre. Before I go I delete all his numbers. I know myself and there no need to be crazy. Then I want to send a message. To tell him. I don't know what. To do anything to try and change his mind. The shopping centre is closed - doesn't open for another half and hour. I sit inside anyway, amongst the shut shops, and type out an email to him, since I don't have his number. Something about saving us for his kids, I don't know. I didn't send it. I realised by now that he doesn't care.
I ambled around the shops once they opened. Didn't need anything, just trying to keep busy. My mind off the impending disaster. And I find a baby clothes shop having a massive sale. I go in - not to buy - but to see what boys wear. I have no idea. Its is all kinda cute. I end up buying some stuff, including a little outfit for Christmas day. Red and white stripes with a little reindeer on the front. Baby should be 2 weeks old of I get that far. I can't imagine Christmas without my partner there. But at least baby will have an outfit.
I get home and realise it is still early. There is a whole day to get through, then a night. Then they come home tomorrow night and I guess I hear more about what I did wrong and how he is moving. Things are looking a little bleak when I get a call from an unknown number. Its is Claudia, the counsellor I first saw when I got the mental health plan from the doctor. She hasn't heard from me in a while and was worried. Thats nice. So I told her how I was feeling. How id been to see a lot of people. How I wanted to die. How id been holding out for Tuesday, but that I found out early. Was I home alone? Yes, What was I doing? Nothing. Claudia spoke to me for 20 minutes. More stuff about how he didn't love me, he would have done this to any woman he was seeing, he was showing no empathy and did I want to be with him anyway? How I was strong and I deserved better than what this man was doing. And that I might as well get through it and see if it gets better.
Something she said that resonated clearly was whether my life plus the life of my child was worth taking for this man who had no empathy. What would throwing our lives at this man causing so much pain help to do? wasn't that a waste? Were there better people, people capable of love, people who would be supportive and not judge and reject me, who deserved to know me?
I was grateful for her call. It made me think that if all these qualified people are agreeing that what is happening to me is unjust and not how a normal balanced person would treat another, then perhaps it wasn't me that was the problem here, perhaps I had just barked up the wrong tree.
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