Not quite right

And then I had my first midwives appointment. I cried in the waiting room, burst into tears when they grilled me about some paperwork I was missing. Didn't want to be there. My partner was going to come but he pulled out. And I sat there, amongst all the other couples, and just cried. I  was so alone. The midwife asked a lot of questions and probably had never met a pregnant woman with such disdain for what was inside her. And such a lack of concern for her own self. She made me do a depression test and I must have scored high because I was taken straight away to meet with Debbie, the peri natal counsellor. Debbie was called in from some other place and sat down to chat with me. And I am so grateful because Debbie started to help me.

She gave me the number for the mental health line. She gave me other numbers.  Lots of information, I don't really remember it was all a blur, but the main part was that she was listening. She was agreeing this was a tragic situation. She understood how I felt and made me feel that what I was feeling was legitimate. I was being treated poorly and I had every reason to be upset.

Two weeks later, I was in the depths of despair - having cried for 4 hours, wringing nothing out of my hands, stood bleakly under the hot shower trying to wash away the sad. Something horrible had been said again, I don't remember what, it was probably all my fault (as usual), and I was so helpless.  I sent an email to Debbie.  It was a cry for help really.  I didn't know if she was meant to get emails but I didn't care. I told her I didn't want to go on like this.  I don't know what I expected her to do - but I went to sleep knowing that she knew how I felt.

The next morning Debbie called.  She talked to me for 20 minutes. I cried and cried.  She told me she needed to go and make an appointment with someone for me and that she would call back. I was free all day except for a 3pm appointment with a 4 D Scanning company to see the sex of my child.  I had booked it in the hope I was having a girl as my partner had recently said 'he didn't do boys' and he 'certainly didn't want to deal with a boy'. We made an appointment for after the scan and I felt relived - even though I didn't know who it was with.